Packing ashes while you smoke a cigarette (originally published December 30th 2021)

I am packing a case

I always packed your case for you…

packed the car up

packed the bags

You may have possessed the grand organisational road map plan but sometimes that crowded your head and stressed you.

Then I would float in while you weren’t looking and throw silks and knickers and thermals and cosy socks and a book or two and your headphones and a recharger in your suitcase so that you wouldn’t get too stressed.

A way to care for you

You would no doubt be downstairs smoking a cigarette in the courtyard with a cup of tea or for a bigger trip maybe a whisky on the rocks watching the moon in the cold.

When you came in you’d say “it’s freezing in here” and I would say “maybe standing out in the cold smoking for an hour will do that to your bones' darling’

You would roll your eyes and I would roll mine wider and we would laugh and then snuggle in.

I am packing a case.

I pack some ashes that have been sealed in a glass stone.

I hug this at night sometimes, cradling it right next to my heart or I rock with it clutching it to my soft belly when the pain is too much.

Its cold at first but warms up on my skin

I think this can’t be real

how can this be happening …

I think how did I become a woman cradling the ashes of my soulmate?

I can’t tell you how this feels, this madness

unless you’ve lost your love and if you have you’ll know.

I am packing a case.

inside I place …

your ashes

a photograph of you and me under the blossom smiling with irreverence

your poetry book

your crystal sword necklace

a silly soft bunny your bought me for when you went away and I would miss you

I am not excited to travel without you

I know you would want me to dip my toes in the sea for you so

I will travel for us both

I am packing a case of you

a way to care for you

packing ashes

carrying the earthly weight

of sorrow for us both

while you carry

the hagstone home


Clare Beloved 30th Dec 2021

A Beloved Grief … diary entries and writing by Clare Jasmine Beloved after the death of her wife, Sandra Richardson from metastatic secondary breast cancer.

You can find other writings from Clare about grief and loss here

Links to Secondary Breast Cancer charities we support https://www.secondary1st.org.uk and https://www.make2ndscount.co.uk

Macmillan Cancer Support Helpline : 0808 808 00 00.

Marie Curie support and info : https://www.mariecurie.org.uk

Sandra Richardson REST IN POWER & POETRY 13.2.64 - 25.8.21

Originally published December 30th 2021

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