Four: Breaking a spell, jelly swordfish, cute shoes and living the lesbian novel at the Vitale (originally published 7th February 2021)

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Every day I would promise myself not to eat the $10 dollar bag of jelly swordfish in the mini bar and every night sure enough at about 3am awake with jet lag I would eat the bloody jelly swordfish, which incidentally you could also purchase around the corner at the cheap grocery story for $1. Memories I am realising are such strange things …captured in taste buds and the sensation of particular foods, feelings in my body like aching sore feet from a certain pair of boots, funny phrases, a particular juicy warm breeze on a cold afternoon…they all take me back and through wild doorways to old beautiful stories…

I was at one time deeply allergic to cats and Mary Corrigan’s cat. I had on my second visit to San Fran been in hospital with a severe asthmatic episode, so staying with her on visits was not, at this time an option. Although a few years later after a strange witchy intervention which involved cat hair extract in my mouth, while moving my eyes in different directions I was cured of this particular affliction. This opened up the option of actually dating and living with lesbians with cats without dying- a whole new world and visiting 97 % of the lesbian population became a possibility ! Anyway I digress deeply and I apologise.

My creative work had reached a beautiful tipping point and I was earning more than I had ever dreamed off and saved it up all year so I could come and spend winter in San Francisco. Once I booked a whole month at the hotel which felt ridiculously decadent. I travelled alone, had this beautiful stretch of time to rest and do exactly as I pleased and had friends in the city who I could meet up with if I was lonely - my perfect scenario.

And so it came to divinely pass that I stayed at the stunning Hotel Vitale over Christmas and the holidays maybe 4 times, so many of the visits have merged into one section of memory. I have labelled that particular file “Fabulous Times in Beautiful Hotel, San Francisco” and decided I should open that memory more often, visit frequently and roll around in it and create more similar files for future (god forbid) pandemic grounded spells.

I had been reading way too many lesbian romance novels much to my friends amusement although straight, gay, or any shade in between they secretly borrowed them and became hooked on them too. They were all set in America and everyone in them said Ma’am a lot … somehow the novels and my life merged during these times and I was actually the heroine of a badly written but divinely escapist storyline with at least 5 books in the series.

I had packed the most fabulous suitcase of clothes which included black leather over the knee boots which were renamed “The Mistress Boots” by all my friends, cerise round toe flowery sandals and a fabulous sex in the city coat. What I loved about the city is wherever I walked around people said good morning and would call cross the the road “ hey, cute shoes!” or “love the coat!” “ nice bangles” …to which I would shout back “ cute jumper, nice scarf” … I was in my own joy bubble and I loved it.

The hotel staff were divine.

“Ma’am its our job to not only make you happy, but surprise you - we aim to go above and beyond with your experience with us, nothing is too much trouble “

I mean who the f*ck says that to you in your life ?

No one has ever said that again without a whole load of ties attached to it ha ha!

One very beautiful staff member called Charles? (how can I remember his name and not remember my neighbours name when I bump into them in the street?) found great pleasure and amusement in upgrading me during the month to different rooms so I could experience all the views of the city. As I returned from my morning run he would shout “Ms Clare I think we have outdone ourselves today, I think you are going to love this room upgrade we have already moved all your bags there” … I would smile and say “Charles you are the best” and grab the key and in a very un cool manner run to see where I had been moved to. Once Mary and Michelles daughter Grace was with me and when we walked in we both stood open mouthed, then burst out laughing and finally declared “JESUS LOVES ME” very loudly and did a happy dance at the magical room with a view of the bridge and a bath to die for.

Did I mention the stunning woman who worked on the door at the Hotel ? Well she was right out of the pages of those novels - the uniform, her accent, the daily enquiries …'ma’am hows the book coming along?’ Did I mention I was writing a poetry book at the time? … it wasn’t a front - although if you have read this blog post you may be forgiven for thinking it was just a good line in hotel banter! It is safe to say that I was hopelessly delightfully in love with the whole Hotel. I brought them daily chocolates, flowers from the farmers market across the road and wrote the hotel into the poetry acknowledgements and sent them all a copy when it was published. I think you could say it was the best kind of love affair in every way.

Breaking the “C” word spell. I had always had a very difficult relationship with ‘C’-hristmas and the holidays… I couldn’t do the painful, messy family thing and so I never quite knew what to do with myself and so it became increasingly stressful, loaded and traumatic…. until I created the perfect SF Christmas Day and reframed the fuck out of it all.

I had in those years taken up running (I know, I know its hard to believe now) so my days would start with 7am runs heading towards the Golden Gate Bridge, passing little landmarks, I made for myself along the waterfront as the sun came up ahead of me over the sea. I had a little soundtrack I listened to on repeat which still catapults me straight back to those times when I hear it. It was mainly full of longing love songs about how ‘my one’ was out there and I would find them…looking back now I was totally in love with life itself and I wish I could have known then what I know now …that this is on reflection is always more than enough.

So my dream Christmas Day started with a run …

I came back and ordered the most delicious room service breakfast and then sashayed along to Glide Memorial Service for the most fabulous gospel magic singing swaying uplifting joy where yet again I shouted out loud “Jesus loves me - yes indeed”… this was becoming a theme. Then a walk to one of my favourite places- Grace Cathedral. I lit candles for my friends, stood in awe at the reflections of coloured light from the stained glass and took my boots off and walked the outdoor labyrinth barefoot … had Christmas Dinner in chinatown and sat on the Vitale Hotel roof top in the sunshine and read poetry till the sun dipped behind the buildings and then snuggled in with a movie. San Francisco had delivered my perfect day doing exactly as I pleased without feeling the weight of sadness and loss that had followed me round for so many winters. It broke a spell and started a new tradition of enjoying the holidays exactly as I could dream of.

I haven’t even mentioned the ridiculous delicious ferry building, the arts markets, the spa on top of the rood at the Vitale where they run your sunken bath for you and then call you when its ready and how a hummingbird joined me in the bath while I sipped a cocktail, I haven’t mentioned the three ‘cinderella like dates’ I had like, the trip to bear valley, tea leaf salads at Burma Superstar, hours lost in incredible book shops, the sacred shopping … so much to remember and I know your wondering what happened the year before when I woke up after the storm in Esalen.

Onwards lets hope there’s time to tell it all …

Originally published February 7th 2021

Original comment by Mary Corrigan: “I am loving these and tripping right back down memory lane with you. Keep em coming, please!”