Guest Blog- Rewilding my creativity by Ali Roe (originally published 16th Dec 2020)

Throughout much of 2020, I’ve been lightly but lovingly held in two magical spaces hosted by Clare Jasmine Beloved and Sarah Starrs. Both have led to transformation, connection and the opening of portals and have helped me continue a decade-long process of rewilding myself creatively. 

Fairy Tale Medicine, an online adventure through six transformative tales, and the circle that gathers for it, has formed a backbone to my year since April.

‘Painting from the Soul Bones’ - a six-week online experience following Clare’s process of birthing a large acrylic painting on canvas – complemented the Fairy Tale Medicine journey with a short, sharp burst of creative intensity.

These connections also led to me joining a short spirit doll making course through November with Julia Inglis of Sacred Familiar that held deep magic and learning.

In these spaces, through the work that I’ve done in them and the connections that have been made, I’ve come to see that without knowing it then, I started a journey into the forest – a healing journey from depression and burnout – when I left my career a decade or so ago. In choosing a lifestyle that meant less material wealth but more freedom and space, I gifted myself the chance to rewild my soul through a focus on creativity. 

Painting the Soul Bones

 This challenging pandemic year – and these spaces that have helped me through it – are the culmination of the first phase of my rewilding. I can now see the truth that I have long been tussling with; that I have the soul of an artist and that I need to create and tell stories with as little concern as possible for commerciality, popularity or approval.

This painting – titled ‘Creativity Meets Her Guardians’ – came through for me on the Soul Bones painting journey with Clare through October 2020.

By the end of the course, I felt sure that I’d been shown a bridge; one I’d known I needed to cross but couldn’t find. 

For over a decade, I’ve been working or studying part time and pursuing a lifestyle anchored in creativity and nature. It’s slow, simple and uncomplicated - and getting more so year on year - and it rejects unquestioned acquisition, accumulation and consumption. 

I’m sensitive to issues of privilege and fully aware that I have had or created choice that many don’t enjoy. Yet I have still found myself struggling and not enjoying all the privilege that I have nor using it in ways that serve a purpose beyond myself.

When I struggle, I have figured out, it’s because I am still measuring by and comparing myself to the over culture’s definitions of achievement, success, purpose and productivity that I am rooted in and from which I’ve found it hard to unbind. 

There are the parts of me - and my conditioning - that have not yet been fully rewilded. And they have held me back. 

I have struggled with inconsistency, my ever-changing fascinations and inspirations and my tendency to not stick with projects or processes long enough to master them. This can make me feel lacking in purpose and a sense of achievement or productivity day to day, week to week and year to year. A strong sense of work ethic persists but no longer matches the slow, long turning seasonal rhythms that I like to work with. Guilt often dogs me when I don’t stay awake to this.

I have struggled with being so eclectic – lots of ideas, inspirations, dreams and so many things I want to try. It feels sometimes like the world wants us in boxes – very limiting boxes – and doesn’t value or need people who are jack and jills of all trades anymore. Specialise, specialise, specialise is the drumbeat in my head. Yet somehow, I always get distracted and my identity – and skill - remains watery, indistinct, ghostly. 

I have struggled with art and creativity being put into limiting boxes and disciplines, especially when I went to art college as a mature student. Add to that the pressure that comes from how our online identity, presence and visibility is controlled. I’m often restricted and self-conscious in my expression when I trying to follow the rules and algorithms or present myself in a way that is ‘legitimised’.

Lastly, I have struggled with focusing too much on commerciality - making what I knew or hoped would sell, or what I knew I could ‘easily’ create - rather than what lit me up inside. I think a lot of this came from still being hooked into wanting and needing approval, attention and purpose. When I imposed financial pressure on myself by taking on a share in the rental of a studio space and setting up a business to sell my work this became even more restrictive. 

The Next Phase

It feels like – through experiencing these spaces this year – a portal has been opened and a bridge crossed. It’s not coincidence, either, that I’m in the latter stages of perimenopause. It feels like a part of an ageing woman’s reconciliation with herself that such deep transformations and shifts continue to run through my life.

Having moved through the portal, I now see the ways that I have made progress on rewilding my soul over the past decade and I can more clearly appreciate the things that are still holding me back.

I’ve witnessed how other wild and free souls are navigating their journeys and I realise that it’s not necessary to do that perfectly or consistently to still be ‘in service’ to the soul. It’s an adventure and it has twists and turns. 

I’ve created things and made art that has astounded me in how utterly magical and satisfying it has been to birth into the world. I’ve experienced how, when I get out of my own way and out of the way of the energy of a piece, it can work through me, it can speak through me, and it can become through me. 

Creatively, the next phase of rewilding will see me exploring more narrative painting. I’m also preparing to go back to being a beginner by indulging my storyteller’s imagination through creating characters, creatures and worlds in 3d processes like papier mache, needle felting, assemblage and clay; all new to me. 

I’m going to deepen my relationship with the land on which I live, its stories and ancestry and the nature that surrounds me.  

I have been shown by Clare, Sarah and Julia what it means to be creative AND to be an activist. Their example has inspired me; it’s something that I want to carry forward in my own life and work. I’m not sure how yet but I have seen that not only is it possible, but that activism of this kind is powerful and transformative in the purpose and meaning it brings to life. 

Connect with Ali Roe

If you feel like coming with me on the journey, I’d love to see you over on Instagram. My main account is @aliroecreative and I recently set up a second, @the_eclectic_imaginarium, to create a dedicated space to document and curate my new work with handmade 3d crafts and processes. 

The Images used are copyright Ali Roe 2020

Originally published 16th December2020