Two Strong Women (originally published late 2021)
On her last night on earth Sandra made many declarations.
…full of wisdom, some touchingly hilarious, some bluntly true and maybe hard to swallow for some, others juicy and divine.
It was a crowded night she had called a number of people to the bed. I hated crowds. She knew this and kept her eyes on me still checking I was ok right up to the bitter end. At one point amidst all the chatter she took her hand to her chest and looked at me with those deep big blue eyes and said. “I am AIR, you are WATER. You are the creative life force that always flows through us. You were right about everything it just took me till here to realise it” Imminent death will give you those glorious dramatic movie moments muddled in with endless horrific hours and scenes that would never make the final cut.
Many people have spoken beautifully over the past few days about how ours was a big love. You are right. We were two big women, two big creative life forces, two big energies, two big irreverent hearts… that much is definatly true. We were able to co create magic- make big things happen. We often wished we had met earlier and had children together, created more projects - but the truth is you have to be ready for someone like that and Sandra often said life is just perfecty timed. It feels hard to believe that now when her death feels so untimely, so unfair.
The thing to understand before you think it was simple is air and water operate in very different ways.
We both knew what we liked and how we needed our lives to be and often they looked very different to each other. We came with experience and a list of things we wouldn’t put up with or compromise on. Sandra loved crowds of people - I needed to be alone. Sandra liked symmetry and I liked random things slightly to the side. Sandra was always always absolutely freezing - I was always needing all the windows open and couldn’t breath with the heating on. While I was naked in hot tubs in winter- Sandra was calling me insane while dressed in a balaclava and twenty seven layers. Sandra needed a logical plan that followed sequences and clear steps that were worked through one at a time- I can’t follow sequences and need to dwell in the place of instinct and dance a creative vision alive from the end backwards. All this could sound like one of those cute opposites attract but the cold stark truth is it was really hard work sometimes and it was far from perfect. There were arguments, storming about and out , slamming doors, immense amounts of eye rolling, lots of going for a ciggy to sulk for hours, diva flouncing and saying hurtful words… muttered by sandra or exclaimed loudly by me. I led with the heart -Sandra needed to analyse everything through her brilliant mind. I annoyed Sandra greatly and often and she me. We drove each other mad sometimes. She wanted one small contained shrine place in the house - I somehow made every space into a shrine. She wanted clear surfaces and I was always coming in with something magical to place on them. Then when I got my new studio I started taking everything there so she could have our home more how she wanted it “STOP” she shouted “where are you taking that. i love that don’t take it from the house” She said she just liked to moan about something but really she had loved it all ! All except for the light up tree that was in the middle of the living room that she felt was perfect for christmas but hated the rest of the year. Right up to her death she was moaning about the inappropriate light up tree in the living room.
I arrived with big scars from relationships that had been violent, taken me to the edge and left me untrusting. Sandra always wanted me to say that I trusted her. It would have meant the world to her. But the most I could give was “I love you and I now trust myself deeply” … she didn’t like that at all but it was my truth. Sandra came with her own demons as we all do. She had a different narrative more like “ I love and trust you deeply, but I don’t always love myself”
Before Sandra, I was always running away too soon from good stuff or staying too long in damaging places. When we met she said “Im not like the others I’ve got staying power. I’m never leaving you” … that frightened the hell out of me and I spent way too much time in the early days working out if my watery soul could be around that kind of solidness. In the end of her life it broke Sandra to leave me …I knew she was suffering so much because as more than one of the consultants and nurses declared over and over in most unmedical fashion “she doesn’t want to let go of you and your life together -it’s keeping her here despite the odds”
Terminal cancer is a cruel uncaring bastard. There Is no sugar coating it.
It took away gigantic pieces of someone I loved with all my soul, piece by piece, and all I could do was witness the trauma. I will never say it is a gift and probably slay someone with the worst look who ever attempts to say that to me.
Loving Sandra during that three years of trauma meant our two great life forces laid down many of our differences, much of my stubborn, protective, steadfast defences surrendered and dissolved into something that I can only describe as the deepest love I have known. I just let myself love Sandra exactly as she was. I just let go of having to fight for things to be my way. I just compromised and didn’t need to be right anymore. I just symbolically closed the window to keep her warm and cared like a mother fucker and I don’t regret a moment. It is something I could maybe never have done without the circumstances. It taught me I can love beyond what i thought was possible. Sandra, for who surrender of control was the ultimate scary act - let go of so much and gave a new meaning to her previous concept of the word trust. She trusted me to do the right thing, she trusted me with her medical care, with decisions which she was too vulnerable to make, with her life and her broken body and her words and her legacy.
In the end I both loved her and deeply trusted her and kept on trusting myself.
In the end I let that big love right in and let it break me open.
I could say I trusted love would carry me through the nightmare but its truer to say we really had no choice than to keep on going.
In a way she was right all along just as she realised I was too.
“We are all the one soul really
bound in love to journeys end
no matter the time it takes
It is being together
Getting there
That is life's work”
Sandra Richardson unfinished poems… left for me
A Beloved Grief … diary entries and writing by Clare Jasmine Beloved after the death of her wife, Sandra Richardson from metastatic secondary breast cancer.
You can find other writings from Clare about grief and loss here
Links to Secondary Breast Cancer charities we support https://www.secondary1st.org.uk and https://www.make2ndscount.co.uk Macmillan Cancer Support Helpline : 0808 808 00 00. Marie Curie support and info : https://www.mariecurie.org.uk
Sandra Richardson REST IN POWER & POETRY 13.2.64 - 25.8.21
Originally published late 2021
Original Comments left on original post:
Lesley Burgess: So moving. Your honesty is so moving and powerful. Two brilliant and powerful souls. You have brightened so many lives.Such courage to share warts and all. I am so touched by this. Thank you Clare.
Maria Armstrong Jones: Ah Clare....I don't know you, but have fallen in love with you. Those words, Sandra is truly smiling from wherever she is likely feeling that's my big Clare with her Big Love Water indeed we're all swimming in tears from the knowing, that whether perfect or imperfect, Love just is....it can can keep us alive even beyond this life. Please don't stop loving....your relationship has touched us all. Love to you Maria.
Sarah Lowes: So raw and real.
Jeneen Schofield: I don't think I've ever read anything as honest and painful and gorgeous before EVER.
Big love Clare x
Linda Cattrall: Thank you Clare, your words have spoken directly from your soul stripped bare, to my own soul and all the souls of those who read them
Suzie: A beautiful love story, so moving to read your deep honesty and love for each other, Thank you so much for sharing 🙏
Ediri O’Brien: Clarey, such beautiful words that reassure me but break my heart. Two strong women indeed. You both inspire that in others, so thank you xx
Claire Johnson: What a beautiful testimony to a perfectly imperfect love. I am deeply moved and honoured to read it. Thank you Clare and Sandra, you show us what is possible between two souls and how the sum of the parts is glorious, and pure magic. ❤️💐🙏☀️🌈⭐
Julie Griffin: I am in total awe that your not just an amazing artist but you can express yourself so colourfully and succinctly through words too xxxxx you were both a force to be reconed with, but you are still a mighty force by yourself xxx you will forever have your tribe who love you, so your never really alone if you don't want to be ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
Love you our Clare xxx
Laura Carmichael: Beautiful and honest - thank you Clare xxx
Patricia Montague: Wow....this, this is so so powerful, beautiful, heartbreaking and not just brought me to tears but made me sob. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your truth x
Di Bundy: O my dear, you have the guts and the courage and the wild wild wisdom to do this sacred work. Keep writing
Gaynor Dykes: This is so deeply moving, brave and honest. So beautifully written Clare, truth and vulnerability but most of all acceptance, trust and unconditional love. Sending you love Clare xx